My Story

Anxiety and trauma

When we grow up thinking that we aren’t pretty or smart

When our parents are young and not nurturing us When we are gawky and unpopular.

Uncomfortable with the way we look or the way we are

When we feel dumb and don’t do well in school and it’s often the cause of an attention or focus deficit that may go undiagnosed

I went to art school in the 70’s

Learned about

Textiles

Painting

Recreational drugs

Moved to NYC in 1974 and got a studio apartment and a job in textiles.

Frequented Studio 54 and Disco Clubs

Too much of all of the above took a serious toll on my mental health which was already compromised from childhood trauma

I came to LA to visit my grandmother when I was 30.

I stayed for a month, got a job as an art director for a men’s clothing company

Lived in Marina del Rey

I was programmed to believe that in our 30's,

that the most important thing is to meet someone and get married.

Our family and friends can often make us feel that we are not successful and cannot be happy without that.

Like so many other women, I believed this.

We literally have a warped perception in our minds and don’t know how to create peace in our minds

I was attracted to charming, successful men narcissistic controlling men

I just turned myself into whatever someone else thought they needed or wanted, not knowing any other way to not be alone

In our 30’s we are sometimes so focused on marriage to be happy

To conform

Never realizing that we have to be happy with ourselves before we meet the right people

That no other person can make us completely happy

We ignore the gut feelings that try to warn us and only see and hear what we want to

In 1983…

I met an older man who was charming and single

I made myself into who I thought he wanted

I wanted to be married

He wanted to be engaged for life

I was constantly trying to please him to please him

Lived w him for until I was 35

I had the opportunity to represent a a major denim mill in the South

I started making so much money on straight commission and was feeling great about myself and life

I loved what I was doing because of that

I met a man in 1988 and fell in love

He proposed the next year and we got married in 1990

tall, dark handsome (too handsome)Italian man

Charmed my family and friends

Was very attentive

We appeared to have it all!

I was busy w my own friends and workouts

-had a super successful sales career

3 dogs

Beautiful house

After we married….

He was promoted a great position us sales agent for a renowned comfort shoe company

The directors from Alsace came to LA regularly to spend time getting to know and trust us as a couple and him as a powerful sales agent

I was traveling for business a few times a month at that time.

and my husband began earning 7 figures…

From the time I met him….

He told me PTSD from serving in the Vietnam war at 18-20 and was traumatized

The 92 earthquake brought it all back to him he claimed

I had so much compassion for him and we went for therapy together for 6 years

I was lonely in our house and in my heart but I had made a commitment and I intended to try to see it through

I made the most of it making excuses for him constantly

After being in couples therapy for 6 years….

I found out that he was never in the army

My dad came through town to visit and wanted to take us to dinner

my husband would not go

My dad’s face contorted in front of my eyes

He then confessed he found out right after we got married in 1990 by bumping into a coworker on a beach in the Bahamas

He thought it was more important for me to be married than to know the truth

He saw me being unhappy and confused for 6 years but didn’t want to “break up” the marriage

Under the guidance of our therapist, I hired an attorney and a private investigator

I didn’t believe that he could have lied to me for so long

It took a month for the PI to get back to me

I was so scared

I tried to act like everything was normal around him at home

It was surreal

I was shocked devastated and betrayed

started to plan my escape

Stopped talking to my dad

I trusted no one but my mom who came to help me move

When he was in Alsace for his sales meeting,

I moved him and our 3 rescue dogs to a rental house

I had divorce papers prepared and asked him to sign them and he would not

He begged me to come back and live with him and date other men for appearances

I asked him why he lied about the army etc

He looked me in the eye and replied

“It sounded good”

Shortly afterwards he was fired from his position for appearing high and out of it at his Alsace sales meeting

The following year,

I got a tax bill for $75,000 for unpaid taxes

I didn’t know what to to do

I called my dad

He had his attorney write a letter to the

Clinton administration showing that I had filed separately and paid taxes

A month later ,

I got a letter from the president’s office saying that I was not responsible for any of that

I was so grateful to my dad for helping me that I chose to forgive him for not being honest with me

He asked if he had hurt me as a kid and I said yes

He asked

“Why do you still talk to me?”

Because I wanted him in my life

But I was never the same

When I met my current husband in 2002…

He was uncomplicated and needing someone to trust and be with too

Widower

He had a 14 year old son

I saw a place for myself

They liked me

I made their life happier

Today…

We are older and so many things have happened in the past decade

Back surgery in 2014 in the hospital for 38 days on a morphine iv

For 3 months…

I lost all of my muscles

I couldn’t return to selling denim because it was just too much for my body

I was lost

Started needing dental implants

No purpose

Worrying every minute of the day

I had PT for the next few years and tried a couple of other careers but nothing clicked

I didn’t love what I was doing

I was in survival mode and didn’t know it

I was sleeping the days away while my husband was at work

In 2018….

I signed up for Pilates teacher training to get certified in the Mat Pilates fundamentals

I was required to complete 200 hours of practice teaching so I was inviting everyone I talked to to come learn

It opened up my world by having so many young talented appreciative people in my life.

Local chosen family.

In 2019, my husband’s company unexpectedly closed

I was in a terrible car crash that broke my left hip

I was trying to handle it without surgery, but after a couple of months I couldn’t walk

2020

Covid

Lockdown

We were all paralyzed with fear and dread

I couldn’t get the surgery for a year because of Covid

3 months later I started having failed dental implants

My jawbone was too weakened to hold the implants because of all the years w TMJ , Infection and trauma

I was beyond devastated

Always striving to keep up my appearance …

I persisted in getting more implants

I had a lot of bone implanted in the back of my mouth preparing to have 5 new implants starting in 6/2022 -11/2023

The bone surgery further wrecked my nervous system

I was so sick from the procedure and the medication

I was in the worst place of my life

I finally surrendered and went to a holistic dentist for a non surgical solution to eating

By working with a holistic healer

Emotional release therapist

She was able to see that it was me…

My body could not tolerate more implants and I had to give up

I had to learn how to get out of survival

Had to forgive myself for all of the vain decisions that brought me to this point

Post Covid2022,

I was passing out cold in the middle of the night walking

My husband found

me 3 times

I had no recollection.

At urgent care they told me that it was a side affect of Covid

I had to get staples in the back of my skull

The diagnosis was

BPV

Benign positional vertigo

Orthostatic hypotension

It was coming from my inner ear and eyes

Blood pressure

I was a mess

I had holistic treatment and PT and it improved

I was so ungrounded that one night I walked into the leg of a heavy bedside table and broke 2 toes

I had to wear a boot for 3 weeks

I was sure that I was going to die

I wanted to crawl into a hole

I couldn’t get out of my own way

Wasn’t cooking

In 2/2023,

My husband was diagnosed with stage 4 bladder cancer

He was so anemic

Rushed to surgery the next day

Started clinical trial last May for 8 months

Daily radiation and chemotherapy

I had to snap back into action and help him get healthy and keep him alive

Suddenly I got out of my head and learned to cook soups and get him on a healthy diet

I was taking meditation classes with a young man who is a Reiki healer.

He was kind and compassionate and would guide me on zoom to help me heal while going through all of this.

I recorded the sessions and played them constantly

I found some meditation podcasts on YouTube and downloaded and listened for hours

It all helped me a lot but I needed more

I needed connection, a social network, people who inspired me.

We all craved these things since 2020 when everything changed for the world

Early last year, I found Kevin Ellerton’s master class on sale on Facebook

I completed the online course in one day and it opened my mind so much

I took a couple of quizes and got a certificate but had no confidence or experience teaching.

I scheduled a Calendly session with Kevin and he told me all about the MTT200 teacher training course

200 hours all virtual

I could practice meditation with others every Sunday

Meet like minded people

Have fun

Get out of my own head

It saved my mind and my life

I was able to go off of Xanax and Ambien and sleep each night and to get in touch with my creativity and joy of being alive.

At 72….

My mind is clearer than ever before

I know that there’s still time to make good decisions and enjoy whatever is left with the purpose of sharing the knowledge

Sharing referrals to meditation classes, podcasts and books

This course literally changed my life and my mind .

I encourage everyone to start a mediation practice to feel happier within themselves and with their lives.

15 months ago….

I was in such a negative headspace

I saw life passing me by and I saw no hope.

I have a new purpose

To teach people to learn to meditate and have a daily practice

I finally realized that only I can make myself happy and that success is not based on how much money we make.

Once we feel happy and successful, everything starts to fall into place and we attract like minded people.